February 08, 2004

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up, Little Girl?


ever since my last post i have been l living up to the ideal i outlined there, been all studious etc. and i've been terribly pleased with myself - it's felt great. i've been in a good mood, learned a lot, and felt horribly clever. still, i also am slightly perturbed. my living arrangements for next year are pretty much arranged. it appears i'll be living in an apartment with three friends. great. the problem is that having an apartment will mean that i'm not living at home, i'll have a place of my own, my primary place of residence, i'm even probably gonna spend this summer there. i'll have moved out. now, i know that's not quite true, but that's irrelevant, what matters is, that that's how i see it. my problem is growing up. i think i feel partly guilty about it and partly opposed to the entire idea. i don't want to pain my parents by growing up (a guilt i've felt almost since i've been capable of that emotion) and i don't want to betray myself by growing up. that's exactly how it feels, as if i'm betraying my innocence or my heart by becoming an adult. at the same time, i enjoy the freedom and exhiliration of, say, walking around la on my own, or using my big ol' brain, or so many other "mature" things. i'm moving irreparably towards age and all the shit that go with that and i don't really fear it, i think i oppose it on principle. i don't want to become a humorless drone. i don't want to be mature. i don't want to spend my time worrying about riddiculous things like money. that's what adulthood is to me, needless anxiety, loss of humor and spirit. and i know exactly where i get that impression, too. i doubt the same thing will happen to me as happened to my father, but that's not just it, all the adults i've met pretty much have been like that - thinner, less real - my dad's just a dramatic example close to my own heart. ha, just about every hang-up i have is somehow related to the aversion to growing up. i'd almost be happy if i only ever aged mentally and never physically (or the other way around). that's a weird way to put it, but as long as one of those aspects of me were unchanged i think i could continue confidently. do i fear change then, ha, well not typically, but in this case i think i am. i am scared i myself will change into a much less appealing person (by my own standards, not yours). ha, so then what. we know there is no way to halt the enivitable march towards adulthood. well, that is exactly why i act childish and am blunt and honest and petty. i am not going to grow up in mind, even if that means i'm going to grate on my own nerves at times. heh. funny thing is, i've known this on some conscious level for some time, i've just never vocalized that before. yay! this makes me more introspective. maybe i should become an artist, an unconventional life is the only way i can think to stave off becoming blase. oh, but i don't know how to go about having an unconventional life, is it cheating if you actively strive to live that way? ...i guess that's how the whole flash mob phenomena began. people looking to live a little outrageously, but in a completely safe manner. i grok that. danger is frightening. i keep telling myself that once i am on my own, i will live a spontaneous and interesting life. i'm not quite sure how i will ever go about that. how does one become a spontaneous and interesting person? i just don't think i have the iniative to be one of those people. i am sickeningly tied to routine. did you notice the irony in that, though? i will become interesting when? in the future, when i grow up. what a sad, tortured state. completely stymied by fate. oh well. we will see.


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