February 04, 2004

Pirsig Would be Proud

i remember all those 50's parodies over the years, with the motherly figure telling her young daughter "don't think too much, it causes wrinkles" and i have to say, i'm beginning to agree with them. cramming for my midterm, or just reading in general, i find that my brow furrows slightly and unconsciously. i have no way to prevent this behavior, it is entirely unintentional, but it upsets me slightly. my eyes squint and my forehead tenses and i'm just begging for lines and crow's feet to show up. but that's not really my problem. i find i have even tougher issues when i stop thinking. this morning walking to class, i discovered that i had made a terribly foolish mistake. my feet had carried me all the way down to the cto, on the way to south campus, my typical route last quarter and three days a week this quarter. the problem is, i had intended to go to dodd, in north campus. due to my gross inattention i wandered off in entirely the wrong direction and had to run back across the square to get back on the right track. sitting all through class all i could think of was how ridiculous that mistake was and how it showed that i've been taking so many things for granted as of late. i have been failing to live deliberately - in extremes. i've also been thinking about fate. i've been behaving as if my future is assured to me simply by virtue of being myself so i've been slacking off. or rather, i've been putting the exact same amount of energy into things as i always have. i should recognize, however, that this is not high school and my charisma and incredible ability to pull good grades out of my ass won't help me because i don't know my teachers and i don't have time to raise my grades later in the year. quarters are short and the only chance i get is now. i think i need to start living more deliberately. i think about it and really, i've been letting myself be carried along so much, that's not exactly how things should be. i'd like to conclude that i'll be better or that i'll start studying more or that i'll pay more attention to my surroundings, but the truth is that it's such a crock to declare something like that. at least since i've realized this, now i'll have a better chance of it. it's a pity i shy away from effort so much. (it burns, mommy, it burns!) let's just hope i pull this together. (oh and my reluctance to become a self-sufficient person, we'll tackle that another time.)


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