February 29, 2004

Brain Stew

this past week, it seems if i wasn't walking in the rain, then i was working in the lab, putting off studying, or wondering what the hell was wrong with me. this isn't a self-deprecating cry for help, but rather, honest-to-god concern for my own mental state. i spent most of the week slow, disoriented, and with a mild headache and i have no explanation as to why. i have some theories, though none seem terribly well supported (or possible!). they are: 1 - i have multiple personalities and one of them sniffs glue. 2 - i have a brain tumor. 3 - i am suffering from some sort of malnutrition/allergic reaction/ psychological breakdown. i have no other way to account for my actions as of late - forgetting when the classes i've been attending for the past 7 weeks are, forgetting what day it is, inability to concentrate. i haven't yet decided whether to be terribly concerned or optimistic. i want my brain back. the buzzword this week is: unsettled.

February 25, 2004

emo weather

it's raining in la and on south campus the worms are fleeing the cracks in the pavement. I woke up this morning very unsettled - it's my reoccurring dream theme. i suppose it's not as bad as my roommate who keeps dreaming that she can't wake up - she says she tries and it hurts and she can't wake up. i'm now afraid that one day she's going to murder me in my sleep. maybe as a sacrifice to the dark night gods that they may remove the enchantment from her head and give her good dreams, i dunno. the rain has pounding down for the past few hours. i walked back from the lab, pouting, hoping someone would make it all better. by the time i got back i was grumbling that my ass was wet and my thighs were wet and my shoulders were wet and even my toes were a bit damp. i've spent the rest of the evening in a deep malaise that only blankets and unproductivity have been able to mitigate. that and a good argument. i've discovered to my horror that my neighbor is a creationist. A CREATIONIST! in this day and age? i didn't think they even still existed! nonetheless, i have discovered to my horror that people still believe outmoded and unsupported tomfoolery. yes! i said it, tomfoolery. now, if you folks will excuse me, i had wanted to end this post with some sort of witty statement to tie everything together, but my roommate is playing my heart will go on and the devil compels me to sing along. and that, folks, is the trash...

February 21, 2004

Bipolarity, Bio, and Ballet, Kin and Tracking

the last few days have left me feeling thoroughly content. first and foremost, immney is happy. this is no small feat for kim, she has lived though more hellish experiences than i care to list here. suffice it to say, she is not at the moment depressed. for one who has been in debt, without a job, in a miserable apartment for so long with bad dreams and self-induced scars, she has certainly pulled her life around. i am so proud of her. she's living in a nice apartment, working at a full time job, paying off her debts. she's got a kitty and is getting a car and it seems relations with her parents have improved. she has also stopped cutting herself, which is a joy. my only concern is that she has stopped taking her meds, but, although she can't afford them, she is so happy that it matters little, at least just now. knowing she is doing well, it is as if a huge weight is off me. i can stop worrying so hard for a while.

i got to talk to my mommy the other day. i miss her so. it was so nice hanging out in the hall just chatting on the phone with her about any and all things. , gettin' homesick.

i finally tracked down the guy who is making my necklace. i was thrilled to see that the stone he cut looks almost like the one i used to have - it's slightly smaller and slightly flawed, but it still is my pretty little charm. he told me he would set it within the next three days so i have to make one last trip down to santa monica to get it. finding his apartment was an endeavor. getting ahold of him at all was an endeavor. he has no phone and got sick and stopped showing up at jurassic, the store where i first got in contact with him, so it was as if he had suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. i'd been stressing about getting my stone for some time, i was going to jurassic every couple of weeks and harassing them for information. late last night lying in bed i had an epiphany - i remember brian had given me his card and that that card had an address on it. somewhere on 2nd street in santa monica. so today kat and i went down there to hunt him down. i was worried that the address might not be his own, but might instead be jurassic. we got there and wandered up and down the street and one minute it would look as if we were close, the next it appeared that the address would in fact be the store, the next it seemed we had found him. but then we discovered that our quarry lived in an apartment building and his card lacked any indication of his apartment number. also absent was his last name. it appeared as if we were stymied again, when the manager directed us to the one "brian" in the building he was aware of. at first i did not recognize the man and was worried i had been defeated, when i noticed his many silver rings...the indication of a metalworker, so i asked him about the stone, and sure enough, he was the right man! victory was mine! so now, my cognitive mapping has plotted the location of his domicile and he shall not escape again, the crazy incense-burning pothead (but overall nice guy)!

i also got my lab position. i'll be working with a grad student purifying an enzyme used in pcr reactions (don't get me started on pcr reactions). i met with my grad student right before the trip and ended up walking around santa monica with the protocol for this procedure in my pocket. hehehe, geeky. i start monday and i hope that i don't fuck anything up. my first task: bacteria cultures! (the bacteria make the enzyme.) whooo!

the final major contributor to my joy is the ballet. i went to the ballet tonight with jeff. i loved it so hard. it was great, they danced as if jerked around on giant strings by an unsteady puppeteer, they went shoeless on stage, dancing in their bare feet, and the music was an eclectic collection ranging from organ music to the velvet underground. it was all totally unconventional - boys lifted girls, girls lifted boys, boys lifted boys, women embraced, the dancers were dressed in their underwear, slips, shirtsleeves, and pajamas, and there was enough writhing and groping to keep anyone entertained. at one point they danced to a reading of the raven by edgar allan poe! i dug it so hard.

so, all-in-all it's been a great week. yay!

February 15, 2004

"What a Great Body!...I Mean, Beauty"

i'm watching a movie, something from the golden age of cinema, probably named something like the dancer and the princess . this just represents one of the several love themed movies that i've watched today. why, you ask? some sort of masochism? yes. sadly i am a hopeless romantic. poop. at the very least (god DAMN that girl's waist is tiny, and her midriff is exposed, meaning she's wearing no support garment, what could she possibly eat!?) sorry, i was a little distracted there, she really is scary thin. it's a silly movie supposedly taking place in egypt, while really all the actors are white. tan, but so obviously aryan. i love it, really. this is a movie whereby the princess is also a dancing wench, a revolutionist hero; an army can be conquered one man at a time in a single night; and common thieves use s.a.t. vocabulary. what a crazy, crazy world.

"how can such a lovely woman be so stubborn?"
"it is only a lovely woman who can afford to be so stubborn."
*exchange knowing smile*

i want me a man that wise! (goodness, they play the deity shuffle so many times it makes my head spin - are they muslim, pagans, what? they pray to allah AND isis, and the women 're much too sassy to be proper musilms).

*sigh* today was a valentines' day like every other (it even has a midget! a midget who kicks ass!) valentines' day. entirely unremarkable. it's a pity that a massacre had to be commemorated so commercially. bleeeh. oh, don't mind me, i'm just a bit... oh, how sad. an infomercial just came on and i thought, "oh, i've already seen this one." i spent most of today in my room mending my pants. really, that today's a holiday shouldn't get me down none, and really it doesn't as much as the fact that i'm doing nothing on my long weekend. oh well.

February 11, 2004

Resolutions - grrr! I'm TOUGH!

it's happier times ahead for me, i swear. i'm mildly sick of pining, of needing other people, of not getting enough sleep, of not eating healthy, of various aspects of my own personality. i'm going to sleep, and when i wake, i'll be better.

February 10, 2004

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be Peter Pan!

I've had bits of this stuck in my head ever since i started going on this rant. i thought it'd lighten things up a bit. it's been edited for more topicality.

Listen to your teacher. Repeat after me:

I won't grow up! I don't want to go to school. Just to learn to be a parrot and recite a silly rule. If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up, not me!

I won't grow up! I don't want to wear a tie and a serious expression in the middle of July. And if it means I must prepare to shoulder burdens with a worried air, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up not me.

'Cause growing up is awfuller than all the awful things that ever were. I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up, no sir.

I won't grow up! I will never grow a day and if someone tries to make it me, I will simply run away. And Never Land will always be the home of beauty and joy and neverty. I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up, not me.

February 09, 2004

Leaving the Nest

This whole fear of growing up, lost boys syndrome, has been weighing heavily on my mind for the last couple of days. In fact, it has sunk me into the most irritating melancholy. My parents called last night and i mentioned getting an apartment next year and they seemed rather unhappy about the prospect, even though it would probably save them money. My father asked me why i would want to move off campus, which really means that he does not quite approve. His reluctance is uncharacteristic, because it would be financially advantageous, so, of course there must be a deeper reason for his displeasure, hmmm. The problem with this is that since i already feel a little bad about this matter, their empty-nesting is going to do nothing but make me feel worse. I already don't want to spend the summer here - the reason? - they're going to wonder why i'd want to be away and feel hurt that i was leaving. and then i'd feel hurt that i was leaving. plus i have a great job back home all lined up at the cookware store. flexible hours, great pay, damn. for the most part, i'm digging the idea of moving out, but there's always that part of me that is terribly saddened by the fact that i'm growing up. dammit!

February 08, 2004

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up, Little Girl?

Young.

ever since my last post i have been l living up to the ideal i outlined there, been all studious etc. and i've been terribly pleased with myself - it's felt great. i've been in a good mood, learned a lot, and felt horribly clever. still, i also am slightly perturbed. my living arrangements for next year are pretty much arranged. it appears i'll be living in an apartment with three friends. great. the problem is that having an apartment will mean that i'm not living at home, i'll have a place of my own, my primary place of residence, i'm even probably gonna spend this summer there. i'll have moved out. now, i know that's not quite true, but that's irrelevant, what matters is, that that's how i see it. my problem is growing up. i think i feel partly guilty about it and partly opposed to the entire idea. i don't want to pain my parents by growing up (a guilt i've felt almost since i've been capable of that emotion) and i don't want to betray myself by growing up. that's exactly how it feels, as if i'm betraying my innocence or my heart by becoming an adult. at the same time, i enjoy the freedom and exhiliration of, say, walking around la on my own, or using my big ol' brain, or so many other "mature" things. i'm moving irreparably towards age and all the shit that go with that and i don't really fear it, i think i oppose it on principle. i don't want to become a humorless drone. i don't want to be mature. i don't want to spend my time worrying about riddiculous things like money. that's what adulthood is to me, needless anxiety, loss of humor and spirit. and i know exactly where i get that impression, too. i doubt the same thing will happen to me as happened to my father, but that's not just it, all the adults i've met pretty much have been like that - thinner, less real - my dad's just a dramatic example close to my own heart. ha, just about every hang-up i have is somehow related to the aversion to growing up. i'd almost be happy if i only ever aged mentally and never physically (or the other way around). that's a weird way to put it, but as long as one of those aspects of me were unchanged i think i could continue confidently. do i fear change then, ha, well not typically, but in this case i think i am. i am scared i myself will change into a much less appealing person (by my own standards, not yours). ha, so then what. we know there is no way to halt the enivitable march towards adulthood. well, that is exactly why i act childish and am blunt and honest and petty. i am not going to grow up in mind, even if that means i'm going to grate on my own nerves at times. heh. funny thing is, i've known this on some conscious level for some time, i've just never vocalized that before. yay! this makes me more introspective. maybe i should become an artist, an unconventional life is the only way i can think to stave off becoming blase. oh, but i don't know how to go about having an unconventional life, is it cheating if you actively strive to live that way? ...i guess that's how the whole flash mob phenomena began. people looking to live a little outrageously, but in a completely safe manner. i grok that. danger is frightening. i keep telling myself that once i am on my own, i will live a spontaneous and interesting life. i'm not quite sure how i will ever go about that. how does one become a spontaneous and interesting person? i just don't think i have the iniative to be one of those people. i am sickeningly tied to routine. did you notice the irony in that, though? i will become interesting when? in the future, when i grow up. what a sad, tortured state. completely stymied by fate. oh well. we will see.

February 04, 2004

Pirsig Would be Proud

i remember all those 50's parodies over the years, with the motherly figure telling her young daughter "don't think too much, it causes wrinkles" and i have to say, i'm beginning to agree with them. cramming for my midterm, or just reading in general, i find that my brow furrows slightly and unconsciously. i have no way to prevent this behavior, it is entirely unintentional, but it upsets me slightly. my eyes squint and my forehead tenses and i'm just begging for lines and crow's feet to show up. but that's not really my problem. i find i have even tougher issues when i stop thinking. this morning walking to class, i discovered that i had made a terribly foolish mistake. my feet had carried me all the way down to the cto, on the way to south campus, my typical route last quarter and three days a week this quarter. the problem is, i had intended to go to dodd, in north campus. due to my gross inattention i wandered off in entirely the wrong direction and had to run back across the square to get back on the right track. sitting all through class all i could think of was how ridiculous that mistake was and how it showed that i've been taking so many things for granted as of late. i have been failing to live deliberately - in extremes. i've also been thinking about fate. i've been behaving as if my future is assured to me simply by virtue of being myself so i've been slacking off. or rather, i've been putting the exact same amount of energy into things as i always have. i should recognize, however, that this is not high school and my charisma and incredible ability to pull good grades out of my ass won't help me because i don't know my teachers and i don't have time to raise my grades later in the year. quarters are short and the only chance i get is now. i think i need to start living more deliberately. i think about it and really, i've been letting myself be carried along so much, that's not exactly how things should be. i'd like to conclude that i'll be better or that i'll start studying more or that i'll pay more attention to my surroundings, but the truth is that it's such a crock to declare something like that. at least since i've realized this, now i'll have a better chance of it. it's a pity i shy away from effort so much. (it burns, mommy, it burns!) let's just hope i pull this together. (oh and my reluctance to become a self-sufficient person, we'll tackle that another time.)

February 01, 2004

Schizophrenia and Stramenopila

i came across a picture of a Giardia today, a protist with several flagella, two nuclei, and no mitochondria (gasp!) and i thought "aw how cute." this is something that i find mildly disturbing. i always find it mildly disturbing whenever i become totally enamored with some silly little fact. you should have seen my glee when i first discovered the manner in which fly zygotes develop (lemme tell you, it's quite amazing). the only problem is that i am a bio major and i, of course, secretly live for this sort of crap. no really. the recipe for my scholastic happiness is to always be taking a life science class. it does absolutely no good, either, that my book is filled with silly little headings like "'Archaezoa': the little kingdom that was" and "Chlamydias are extremely small" that i find oh so amusing - it just adds to the sickness. it has been my own singular dream almost since eighth grade biology to keep a slime mold for a pet. it would be yellow and live in a pie tin or perhaps a wooden cart with wheels that i could roll behind me wherever i went. i would feed it fish food flakes and name it karl or kent. i have always wanted to see a slime mold in real life as i am immensely curious as to what one would feel like. i imagine it would be much like a sea cucumber...possibly stickier. so i've been sitting in my room studying for my LS midterm, reading about a hundred pages of dry bio text and i need a bit of a rest...