January 29, 2004

Naughty Picts

I just had dinner with some friends, and one of them, a guy, had for dessert froot loops covered in yogurt. The colorful little hoops were jumbled in with the chunky, creamy white yogurt in a way that reminded me of those high-color prints you see in photo galleries. Sitting there, I could just envision the white bowl sitting alone in a white background, hanging on a white gallery wall, the colorful cereal beaming out in all its high-definition glory, a shining frosted spectrum in a banket of white. I couldn't help but notice the all-too high-art Freudian connotations, too. How could i miss it, the colorful holes swimming in white gloppy gooze, little rafts tossed about in a choppy sea; it was all too blatant, at least for my sexually frustrated mind. A sweet breakfast of rainbow vaginal openings and cum. Exactly the type of innuendo you'd see in a fine gallery, hung in an innocuous frame with a cheeky title like "Breakfast of Champions." I wanted to arrange a photo shoot, right there. The imagery was just too subtle, the hidden significance too delicious. I'm even almost positive that I've seen such photos before, myself, somewhere. Looking around the table, though, and then around the room, i was sure that no one had any idea what i was seeing or any idea of what i was thinking or any idea of how desperately i wanted a camera just then, and i realized that it truely was sad that no one could see into my head because remember, "if it doesn't make you laugh, it isn't real." That is why i began my blog, because my head is a lovely place to visit, but, as the old adage goes, you wouldn't want to live there.

January 24, 2004

Sad 'n Alone

(going back in time...) I'm in college now and i have just come to a startling realization. It is startling because i have been on the planet for the whole of nineteen years and one would imagine that i would have had plenty of time here to figure some things out. The sad truth of the matter is, however, that i have not learned in all my time on earth how to make friends. This does not mean that i have no friends - I have a good number of them; what it means is that i don't really know how i got them, or how to get new ones. This poses a sort of dilemma as I'm slowly becoming tired of most of the ones i already have. When i was little, it was so much easier. i distinctly remember going up to strange children on the playground and after playing with them for a few minutes, chagrinedly asking if they would be my friends. As i grew older, I realized this was not the most acceptable course of action to take and spent subsequent years mildly confused as to whether or not the people i hung out with were my friends or merely close acquaintances. There was also the nagging paranoid fear that the people who I considered friends considered me as little more than a close acquaintance at best and, most-dreaded, an ever-present nuisance. Over the years, it has been rather difficult to shake that second suspicion, fortunately, there are some people in my life who I am sure I can consider friends no matter what. That only leaves me with the problem of the close acquaintances - I can never quite gauge at which point they cross over into friend territory. This unfortunately leaves me rather tentative and aloof with people i have only just met, never quite sure how to regard them and scared of seeming too familiar. I am tempted to revert back to my old childish mode of behavior. My reputation for blunt behavior enables me to entertain this prospect without feeling too foolish, however I cynically wonder how effective this tactic would really be. It takes a very strong character to refuse such a request, as I discovered one afternoon in the park in my youth, and I find it doubtful that anyone would refuse such a direct request. However, such a concession does not guarantee intimacy, and despite a verbal pledge i would most likely still doubt the other's true response. I feel fortunate that my fears and doubts have not prevented me from having friends at all, and simply i need to find a way to begin new relationships with people, confidant enough that my own feelings are reciprocated enough.